heavenly_metal

i think i chose the wrong direction

I'm glad you got fired.
I'm glad we don't work together anymore.
I'm glad we don't have any friends in common.
I'm glad we don't have anything in common, anymore.
I'm glad I'm not letting you pull me around.
I'm glad I'm not letting you drag me down.
I'm glad I'm not letting my worth be decided by somebody else.
I'm glad you aren't in charge of my significance anymore.
I'm glad you're a jealous person.
I'm glad you're lying about things to me
I don't care if most of them are lies, actually.
It wouldn't be anything I am not used to already.
I'm glad you get hung up and hurt over ex girlfriends.
I hope you get hung up and hurt over me.
I hope I crush your pathetic little soul.
I'm glad there's someone else.
I hope that she isn't nice.
I hope she's awful and that you can't break her the way you do to everyone else.
Either that or I hope she's nice.
I hope she's wonderful.
And I hope she leaves you long before your damage sets in.
I hope you die alone.
I hope one day you wake up and the pain you gave to everyone who never deserved it hits you like a million bricks and crushes you in your bed and you can never move again. I hope it's so heavy that you cannot get out of bed. I hope you can't lift your arm to light your lighter or tilt your head to down the whisky. I hope somebody watches. I hope it's somebody you loved. I hope you find out what it feels like to have somebody watch you get crushed to death and do absolutely nothing about it. I hope they don't laugh. I hope they don't cry. I hope they stand there in silence. I hope they wear nothing on their face and they cross their arms apathetically. I hope it affects them in no way whatsoever that you are dying. I hope you don't die from all the awful things you do to yourself. I hope you die from all the awful things you do to everyone else.
I hope no one ever learns to love you.
I hope everything you ever love dies in your arms.

I'm glad I didn't trust you.
I'm glad I gave you the benefit of the doubt.
That proves I am a far better person than you.
And that is not something of which to be proud. That just reassures me I am still human.

I'm glad for this year.
I'm glad for these things.
I'm glad for the way everything hurts me in a way so harsh I can't even find ways to describe it.
I'm glad I can learn from this.
I'm glad you have become my past now.
Not my present.

I never left because truly truly I was in love.
I've never left somebody I still loved.
I'm glad for that.
I never have.
I never will.

I do not love you.


good. fucking. bye.

I've never felt so low and hopeless and utterly pointless. So fucking useless and lost. No purpose, no point. People keep telling me this is the best part of my journey of finding myself. I say that's bullshit. I believe there is more. If this is the best part of my life there is no reason for me to go any farther.

But it isn't.
I know it isn't.
I have this feeling that there's something - there has to be something because if there is nothing why am I breathing and living and loving and feeling and sleeping and waking and going and going and driving and walking and coming and going and going and going



stomach aches and
late nights and
early

mornings with coffee and coffee and coffee and
too many cigarettes and sad.

more dreams than reality
let's make more reality
let's live with reality and not dreaming because
what's the point in waiting for tomorrow
if it's always just a dream and that will always stay
where it is which is tomorrow and not today
but we live today
we don't live tomorrow
we will always live today and life is just today plus today plus today plus today and if all those todays were spent waiting for tomorrow then all life was was waiting for it to end




-------------

tonight was
full of interesting people
and a woman who made me
feel very sad
running from her
boyfriend
husband
ex
thing.

i tried to
hide her because
i didn't know
how else to protect her from
him.

i had to fill
out a form for
the police and tell them
all i remembered
about her and
him.


an old woman told me
he was a lucky bugger
going back to toronto
she wishes she could
go there.

anywhere but here.
she hates it here.
the only thing to do is drive past the
funeral homes
and see who's croaked this week.
she knew a woman
who waited for people to die
then went to get a free meal.
some people
are sick
she says
but she'd still rather live
in the city
than here.
anywhere but here.


carmen asked for
my phone number and
he hasn't called me and
i don't know
whether to give up
or just blow it off
because he is
busy
i know.

but he came in
to buy cigarettes
and didn't say anything else.

i made a
new friend and we
are all going to hang out
because he just moved here and
he's bored.
very bored.

he called me at work.
to ask if we could
be friends.
i laughed at him
but not in a
mean way.
i don't like being mean.


i lied and said
i was seeing someone
to make it easier
to say no.


he came in today and i think
he felt awkward.
i hate saying
no.
it feels like
when someone says it to
me.
i don't want to
make other people
feel like
that.


she is
so young but
looks
older.
i told her
it's not so bad and lent her
some money
for a froster.
forty three cents.

she said she'd
owe me.



maybe carmen isn't
as interesting as
all the interesting people
who came in to work
tonight.

This summer has been letting me down.
I mean, it has had it's good points, but for the most part all of my friends from here have become lame. It feels like everyone has moved on and we aren't a part of each other's lives really. We either have incredibly opposite and busy work schedules, or all they want to do is smoke pot and sit around. It's pathetic.

All I want is a random dance party and an unpredictable adventure somewhere. I want some long-winded stories followed up by guitar playing and general rocking out. I want a movie in the clubhouse and 15 of us scraping up bus fare.

I miss the winter too, strangely. I feel like I got gypped out of winter this year.



I hear Dan Weir is off to Montreal for school. You know what that means? Road trip to Montreal!

I'm going to Ireland as opposed to York, I'm leaving sometime at the end of September I think. I'm getting a work visa and then I'm going to spend a few weeks having a crazy travel adventure. I'm not sure how long I'll be gone, exactly what I'll be doing, or when I'll be back. But it will be good.

I miss Winters. What I wouldn't give to have Stacey drunkenly stumble in the door right now with Salima right behind...

wait.

nevermind.

So I've decided I should start using my livejournal once in a while, you know, because I have it and all.

Summer is alright so far, I have two jobs. One, cleaning motels in Wasaga Beach like I did last summer and the other working at Macs (gas station) in Stayner. I get 32 hours a week at Macs and varying hours depending on how busy it is at the motel. We'll see how it goes.

I decided to just work my ass off because instead of going back to York next year, I am taking some time off and going on an adventure with a program called SWAP. It's a work exchange program for students / people aged 18-35. I am getting a one-year work visa for Ireland, and a two-year visa for Britian. Basically, I can work and travel as much as I want, with hookups in Dublin, London and Edinburgh. I think I am going to spend my first 3 months in Ireland, and after that maybe move to another country. Who knows? I've stopped trying to plan my life out and I've been incredible amounts happier since. My aim is to leave during the second half of September, so hopefully I can get a good chunk of cash before leaving. I don't need tons, but I'm pretty broke now.

I won a free gym membership at the GoodLife in Wasaga Beach, and once it runs out I think I am going to keep it because I really enjoy it there, the classes are all great, the environment is welcoming and the people are all very friendly. I run and bike every day now and go to the gym at least every other day to either take a work-out class or do weight training. I'm getting all buff haha. It's good stuff though, I've almost lost 10 pounds since being home from school. I drink a lot less coffee now, too.

I think this summer is going to be a good one, I've made some new friends and found out my old ones from home haven't really changed and nothing is going to be vastly different than the way it always has been. Except this summer I can drive.

Is this working?

Here's my journal.